/*sad*/

today, i'm sad : (

it's funny though, cause usually i like being sad at times (since it makes me feel alive) but now is not one of those days that i enjoy sadness. another funny thing is the reason why i am sad. this morning, i had an exam. it was a bit hard. and i'm suppossed to have another final exam tomorrow but i am exempted from taking the exam. what made me sad is the fact that though i'm exempted in this subject's finals, my other exams weren't that good. they are those "i could have been more careful and done better" kind. i am so disappointed with myself for always coming up with mediocre performances.

before i thought that i was just being pressured by the high expectations of my family or sometimes my own self-expectations. that when i don't meet these expectations i disappoint them and myself. i don't like high expectations because i am pressured. i don't like people having the notion that i am supposed to do good because i am just that. (i am not being narcissistic or self-praising. i really feel people have very high standards for me). so sometimes i don't give everything that i have in what i do.

i realize now that when i think of these reasons and think of my expectations and others expectations, i think that things are all about me. When i rebel against the standards it's about me...i don't want pressure. it's the big I.

but the reality is, it's not all about me. my life, my relationships, my friends, my studies. they are not about me. everything in this world is supposed to be about God, for God, and because of Him. So when i come up with a mediocre grade or perfomance, it is not who is disappointed the most, not my mom or my family, it is God. and that is why i am sad. I feel that at a large portion of my life i have not given God what's due Him, i have not given my best, my everything. i don't just shortchange myself, i shortchange God. I am so sad because i remeber what He has done for me, what He gave me and what i give in return. i am ashamed of myself.

Lord, I am sorry that I don't do my best in everything that I do. I know that you only deserve the best and sometimes that's not what you get from me. I didn't realize that what i am doing is not for me but for you. I was thinking of my self and not You. I am sorry.

It's all about You, Jesus.
And all this is for You.
For Your glory and Your fame.
It's not about me.
As if You should do things my way.
You alone are God and i surrender, to Your will.

Jesus, Lover of my soul.
All consuming fire is Your gaze.
Jesus, I want You to know.
I will follow You all my days.
For no one else in history is like You.
And history itself belongs to You.
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me.
And I will share eternity with You.

? temporary insanity ?

hey! i just like that phrase. it's something that many criminals use to be acquitted in a trial. it's also a great excuse for any misdemeanors you can do.

But for me...i don't really use it as an escape from any wrongs, sins or whatever... it's just a rest from sanity. rationality. etc. etc. a rest from a whole day of thinking and computing wondrous chemical engineering equations, mass balances, energy balances, comm 3 speeches, es 13 loads and lap joints. and so on....

whahahahahahaha!

happiness is not two kinds of ice cream! it's seeing God's goodness and living for His joy.

/* tic tac */

rock...

i've been collecting rocks since three years before. well actually, not rocks, just stones and pebbles. they are not special looking gems or glittering ores but plain stones. It's not their appearance that made them special but where they came from or what happened the day I got them. sometimes these rocks don't really look beautiful but they mean a lot.

when you look at a stone, what do you think about? what does it remind you?
we may parallel stones with people's personalities or emotions. a person characterized by a stone is someone tough, hard but sometimes insensitive. somebody firm yet at a certain point breaks down to soil. or maybe somebody common. just like any other pebble in the field. or let's go in deeper and see that a rock is a person with a cold heart without compassion. so what's my point then? i don't have a point! hahaha! in this paragraph that is i was just thinking...

i look at my collection now and see each stone as it is and what it stands for. like my stones, we may not be gems or precious ores. we can just be pebbles like others. but in God's eyes and being in his "collection", we are precious. more than precious.


wala lang!




.....

/* 8 exams in one week */

yup! tama ang nabasa niyo! well I'm veeery busy right now with my acads. I've got 8 exams in 4 subjects. Imagine (and I only have 6 subjects this sem)
*sigh*

STORY:
Praise God!
I had an exam this morning. It was really God's grace that made me survive the test. Why? well... I was studying last night.I was prepared to stay up until 3 am the next morning just to finish reading everything I have to read. I had some coffee brewed, already taken a bath, got some cornick to much on. Everything was perfect [Wow prepared!]. Then I woke up in my room (I was studying in the living room) and realized I had fallen asleep, sleepwalked and snored the night away [WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH! panic panic!]. I woke up at 630 am and guess what? [WHAT???] My exam was at 900 am. so practically I only have 2 1/2 hours to finish reading and understanding every plus eating breakfast and traveling to school.
I know I won't be able to cover and remember everything and so I really prayed that God would give me the wisdom I needed, that I would be able to answer correctly and I won't fail the exam.
This afternoon I went to our department and I saw my teacher. I didn't want to talk to him because I'm scared of how my exam answers would turn out. But he told me (without me asking) the result of the exam. I got a high score! as in high!
Truly God answers prayers. He answered mine...

well now I gotta stop blogging and start studying again... *sigh*

Salamat po!